Corrupted Wishing Well

First topic message reminder :

I'm sure most of you know this game -- make a wish, and have it come true. Problem is, the wishing well is corrupted and as such the fulfillment of the wish goes terribly awry!

To those who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the gist:
1. Grant the wish above you, making it go wrong somehow.
2. Make a wish yourself.
3. Lather, rinse, repeat.

For example:

Person 1: I wish for some sushi.

Person 2: Granted, but it seems that the fish has gone rotten, and it's given you food poisoning!
I wish for a puppy.

Person 3: Granted, but it's vicious and it tears up your furniture.
I wish I was the smartest person in the world.

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I shall start. c:

I wish for a pair of cute little rats. <3

granted but your old headphones get jealous and become intelligent and kill you
I wish for a super comp

Granted but the world collapses around you for not apparent reason and you end up suffocating in space.

I wish I could have a pet Archeopteryx

granted but it can't be potty trained.
I wish for dots!

granted but the dots are actually commas in disguise
I wish for chef boyardee

granted but its spoiled
I wish i wasn't alone in my house right now

granted but a person who rapes boys is in your house with you
I wish for universities to leave me alone for one day of my life D:

granted, but u become dumb
I wish for pokemon to become real

granted but because they are basically god animals they make humans exstint.
I wish for ninja gear

granted, but your die from a heart attack
I wish for a unlimited wishes

granted but they all have bad twists like from this well.
I wish to be immune to being in pain

granted but you become easier to kill since you don't feel pain
I wish for a 200 liter diet coke >:3

granted but you drink it and realize it's diet and you wanted normal
I wish I could eat as much as I want and not get fat

granted but people badger you endlessly on how you did it (plus I WANTED DIET FOO >:3 normal sucks)
I wish for harmless stuff

granted and then a car driver is distrated by your normal stuff and runs you over.
I wish i was old enough to drive( I can reach the pedals already after all. )

granted but you never get your licence
I wish for unlimited money

granted but greedy ppl kill you for your monyies
i wish for the secrete of the meaning of life

granted but it's so secretive that when you learn it you are instantly killed
I wish for harmful stuff

granted but nothing harmful happens and your left with an everlasting disappointing feeling
I wish I could only have to press the X button on a controler to kill someone

granted but then the other buttons become jealous and kill the x button
I wish for coookies

granted but there the flavor you hate the most.
I wish for chocolate cake

granted but it's made of reindeer chocolate o.o'
I wish for more posts

granted but laurel deletes all your old ones
I wish for more posts also

Granted, but then I also delete all of your old posts and then ban both you and rai so you cant get anymore posts ever.

I wish I had more time.

granted but your thrown into prison all the time in the world with nothing to do
I wish for ..... hmmm.... oh to beat the boss I'm stuck on in dark souls

granted, but everyone else who can't kills you
I wish for a monkey that is nice and fun