Corrupted Wishing Well

First topic message reminder :

I'm sure most of you know this game -- make a wish, and have it come true. Problem is, the wishing well is corrupted and as such the fulfillment of the wish goes terribly awry!

To those who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the gist:
1. Grant the wish above you, making it go wrong somehow.
2. Make a wish yourself.
3. Lather, rinse, repeat.

For example:

Person 1: I wish for some sushi.

Person 2: Granted, but it seems that the fish has gone rotten, and it's given you food poisoning!
I wish for a puppy.

Person 3: Granted, but it's vicious and it tears up your furniture.
I wish I was the smartest person in the world.

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I shall start. c:

I wish for a pair of cute little rats. <3

Granted, but people hear of your wishing ability and use you until you're out of wishes for yourself.

I wish I had a pencil.

Granted but it's bromen and you have no sharpener.
I wish I had fire power

granted, butt you burn yourself and now your dead.
I wish to own willy wonka's chocolate factorie

Granted but you drown in your chocolate river
I wish I could use the falcon punch

Granted, but then the internet kills you off for imitating the original.

I wish I had hand sanitizer.

Granted but it's infests with bugs
I wish I could not be replying to every topic and could just watch planet of the apes already

granted, but planet of the apes keeps playing over and over till you die and can no longer post.
I wish i could breath underwater and live on land.

Granted but now your torn between two worlds and commit suicide trying to decide which to side with because the under water and the land worlds are colliding a huge war.
I wish I had a monkey that could talk

granted, but now hes your brother and his name is gary, and he's an evil monkey and throws poo all over you room.
I wish i had a pie

Granted bit it's poo flavored.
I wish I had a number in basket ball that gives me epic basket ball skills

granted but the number is 69 and your to embarresed to put it on
I wish i owned a car

granted but you can't drive it cause your underage and if you do your arrested.
I wish axi was on!

granted, but when axi is on your computer doesn't work.
Can i haz om nomz?

Granted, but they're moldy.
I wish for a Wartortle. :B

Granted but it floods your house
I wish I didn't eat a ton of candy and get a stomach ach.

Granted, but then you eat too much cake and get another stomach ache.

I wish for a pet Horker.

granted, but you forget you had one and he is now neglected and he hates you and plots to kill you.....
I wish for a torchic : D

granted but it claws your eyes out cause it is mean.
I wish i had more posts then ripple

granted but she quickly overcomes you again.
I wish for....for.....

granted but the fact you wished for nothing means nothing happens and that nothingness drives you insane
i wish your post count would stop going up rai

granted but then yours stops as well
I wish for foooood!

granted but its all the food you hate the most
I wish jay didn't have as much of a post lead so I could pass her

granted but she deletes all your posts and you're back at 0
I wish for a better wishing well

granted but its only slightly better and still gets most of your wishes wrong
I I had a zanpato

granted, but murumasa materializes it and it kills you
I wish for a new headset